


Almost

by writing_oddities



Category: The Avengers (Marvel Movies)
Genre: -gentle shrug-, Alternate Universe - Everyone Lives/Nobody Dies, Angst with a Happy Ending, Endgame fix, M/M, Stucky - Freeform, because c'mon how are they gonna do stucky like that, don't know how don't look too close at the science, how does stark survive?, nat resurrected by the snap because (shrug), this is just for funsies, this is self indulgent, told you not to look close at the science
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-11-03
Updated: 2019-11-03
Packaged: 2021-01-22 07:03:40
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,641
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21297530
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/writing_oddities/pseuds/writing_oddities
Summary: Steve's gone.Bucky knew this before Steve left to return the artifacts to their correct time periods. He knew it in Steve's eyes, the way he always tried to be optimistic when things were going to hell but Bucky could always tell when he was bullshitting. He knew it in the way they hugged, how tightly Steve held him close and how fiercely Bucky wanted to say no you're not going or cut the shit, I know you're lying to both of us. Watching him disappear was just a confirmation of all of that and no matter what he tried to pretend, Bucky knew better.
Relationships: James "Bucky" Barnes/Steve Rogers
Comments: 12
Kudos: 102





	Almost

**Author's Note:**

> Wowee- it's been a while! I just wanted to make some self-indulgent Stucky where everything is awesome and nothing hurts. Well, there's a little hurt but it gets better, I promise. Not everything is accurate but, y'know, we're just here to have fun and make friends.
> 
> As always, I don't own the characters and make no money off of this~

Steve's gone.

Bucky knew this before Steve left to return the artifacts to their correct time periods. He knew it in Steve's eyes, the way he always tried to be optimistic when things were going to hell but Bucky could always tell when he was bullshitting. He knew it in the way they hugged, how tightly Steve held him close and how fiercely Bucky wanted to say _ no you're not going _ or _ cut the shit, I know you're lying to both of us. _ Watching him disappear was just a confirmation of all of that and no matter what he tried to pretend, Bucky knew better.

Steve's gone.

Bucky stands in an apartment he calls his, a little place he found in Brooklyn where he has an actual bed, and stares at his reflection in the mirror. His eyes are tired and his hair pours past his jaw messily in a way it hadn't since he was a kid, too reckless to keep in one spot for a trim especially when Steve was waiting outside and Bucky _absolutely_ needed to see this cool spider he found. He reaches up and touches it, thinking about the person he once was (what he can remember; he's still only got about three-fifths but it's a hell of a lot more than he could've hoped for) and takes the scissors from the bathroom counter. He's still not okay with anyone bringing sharp objects around him, even in the sense of getting a haircut, so he does his best with it. It serves as a reminder when he and Steve used to cut each other's hair because they didn't have money enough for something professional. His bathroom is quiet this time but he can still somehow hear Steve's voice behind him as he concentrates, trying to mimic what he would've done.

_ How's your hair this thick? It's like tryin' to chop through the jungle. Waitin' for birds to fly out at me. _

The edges of Bucky's lips lift slightly and he almost replies before remembering that the voice he hears is in his head. A memory, not reality. Halfway through, he takes a break to shave off the beard he's grown, finding the action in itself calming. He'd gone old fashioned, finding a razor that was how he remembered them (or close to it) and building a kit around it with some help from Sam. Removing all the modern technology around him in this space, he could pretend he was back in his and Steve's shared, tiny apartment. It was downright shitty but at least it'd been home. Now everywhere just feels like a place that he lives with no certain value attached.

After his shave, he finishes his haircut and it's not _ terrible _ and it looks nice enough but he's sure Sam will tease him about it when he sees him again. Bucky leans back from the mirror, taking in the full picture of himself and gently tilting his head. It's… really something. Seeing himself fully like this is like a punch in the gut and he doesn't take a breath for a few moments. He sees a version of himself he hasn't known in a long time but still not the same. It could never be the same; this one is too haunted. His shoulders are wider, built up from the muscle he didn't have in the 40s, and the material of Steve's white shirt stretches across his chest peppered with pieces of cut hair because he couldn't be bothered to actually put anything down. He didn't used to be able to wear nothing that belonged to Steve or else it'd pop the seams with any movement. Now he can and the punk isn't here to yell at him about stealing his things. Bucky puffs out a breath, the knowledge of that still heavy in his mind and he just stands there because Steve isn't gonna to grumble about him taking too long, Steve isn't gonna tell him he's drinking all the coffee if Buck doesn't hurry up, Steve isn't going to look up from his newspaper and grin when he finally steps back out of this room.

Bucky remembers that he had plans and a future and they had revolved around Steve and he realizes suddenly that he had never planned for a life without him and now he would _ have _ to.

He doesn't realize he's crying until the image of himself begins to blur. Bucky trembles, stepping back until he feels the wall to his spine and he slowly slides down to sit. Standing feels like far too much work as his shoulders shake and he just… cries. He lets himself release it after so long and when he gets up half an hour later, he feels hollow and tired and goes to bed even though it's only the afternoon. The emotion would feel good after so long of feel nothing but cold and empty but he can't appreciate it for what it is.

\------------------

Two weeks later, Tony Stark wakes up.

Bucky isn't really sure why he gets invited to that knowledge or his room; Stark isn't his biggest fan. It would feel like a trap if all that shit hadn't gone south and everyone was just thankful for living and breathing and being able to embrace the world and their loved ones again. He doesn't think that Stark is ever looking for forgive Bucky and Bucky isn't looking to forgive himself, no matter what Steve said. There will always be a separation of who he was as the Winter Soldier, who he used to be before that, and who he is now but it's the same body, the same hands (sort of). He knows what he did to the Stark family, something he is unable to forget, and he feels its claws in him as he walks through the door. He'd like to think he had some redemption for himself, in some ways, fighting alongside everyone against a common threat and protecting those that he could. Using his abilities for good though he'd never be sure it'd make up for the bad. Pepper is there and she looks towards Bucky with a smile and he feels a little on the spot because he's late and everyone has already stopped by to see how Tony was holding up. There are flowers everywhere and Bucky scowls to the thick scent of it, his nose wrinkling and for his efforts there's some laughter.

"The worst, right? At least I know how to keep super soldiers away." Tony rasps and Pepper rolls her eyes fondly.

"Steve would've loved them," Bucky replies automatically, remembering how much Steve adored flowers even though he was allergic. Worth the sneezes, he'd tell Bucky. Tony snorts then grimaces.

"Yeah, Captain Sunshine would," he frowns, adjusting himself on the bed, "You'd think he'd be here to pay his respects."

"Steve's gone," Bucky says shortly, the words still heavy on his tongue.

"Well, yeah, but he'll be back. After a taste of the future? Bet he'd just freeze himself again to get back. I've _seen_ his addiction to Netflix for myself and he loves that bird game. For the phone."

Bucky just nods, doesn't argue like he wants to, and isn't sure if he's just meant to be a stand in for Steve to the Avengers. A guy from the 40s who somehow made it to the future and who can punch through vehicles. He's nice enough now, sure, but not _ Steve _ nice and Bucky sure as hell ain't as good as Steve. He's got a lot to make up for and he plans to spend his time doing right when his head has cleared up from his current loss. Tony talks like he doesn't care that Bucky is listening, though he does include things like _I don't like you but I get it, victim of HYDRA_ and _got a few favors for Cap_ and _as long as you don't go on a rampage._

"Your hair looks nice," Pepper tells him warmly halfway through one of Tony's rants and her voice surprises him out of his thoughts. Bucky reaches up to touch it.

\----------------

There's a planter box outside one of his windows in the living room and Bucky buys a few books about flowers. It's too close to winter to plant anything so he tucks small seed packets up by his notebooks labeled STEVE and thinks they look nice there, bright colorful packages against dark covers. He spent a while reading about various flowers and determined which ones Steve would've liked best before picking anything out. After, Bucky sits on his couch and stares at nothing in particular. The apartment is quiet except for the street noise and he thinks about getting a record player like how they had back then. Yes, they'd found it by the dumpster but it worked alright if you were careful enough. It was a small luxury that they cherished.

Exhaling, Bucky wonders if Steve ever grieved when they unfroze him or if he was ever given the chance. He wonders how long it took him to feel normal and not lost and how long it'll take himself to feel okay in the environment, despite being free from HYDRA for a few years now. Their circumstances were vastly different but they were still so very beyond where they didn't belong. He decides that sitting and feeling too much isn't productive and hefts himself to his feet to get some air outside.

He walks for a while, tries to distract himself by thinking of what he should get for his home that would help him feel more settled, and finds a bench to sit on halfway through his journey. Bucky wonders if they still have those metal drip coffee makers while also debating if he should modernize his appliances, wondering if keeping things retro (old, like him) would just make everything harder. As he debates it in his head, he's aware of the person approaching him but their footsteps are steady and sure, not trying to hide it, so he doesn't get defensive about it.

"You look like you're thinking about eating those ducks. City would probably frown on that kind of thing," Sam lowers himself onto the bench next to Bucky and Bucky leans back when he realizes just how intensely he was looking out.

"Didn't even notice them," he mutters.

"Bullshit. You notice flies from across a crowded room."

Bucky shrugs, unable to argue because while he calls himself Bucky and is cataloging who he was before, the Winter Soldier is still there and he is aware of everything in his environment at all times. He still struggles with his nightmares and still has a gripping fear that he'll snap back into it and Steve won't be here to pull him out. Even so, Sam's tone makes him smirk slightly.

"Aww shucks, I'm real flattered that you know me so well," Bucky replies, finally looking over at him, batting his eyelashes and Sam makes a sound like a clipped laughed.

"Smartass," Sam replies, looking out where Bucky was before the inevitable subject comes up, "Have you heard anything from Steve?"

"Nope." Bucky says pointedly, popping the 'p' in the word and trying to sound casual about it but he knows the humor drained from him the moment Sam asked. Sam's quiet beside him and Bucky can feel him watching him, studying him, but Bucky's very good at waiting and doesn't ask what he wants. He'll know soon enough.

"Ah well, he'll be around. Time jumping isn't an exact science so he'll probably stick the landing a little later than he meant to. Probably way different than before because he's going back and forth so much," Sam says finally, as if to convince himself as well, and Bucky blinks a few times to clear his eyes.

"Yeah, of course," he lies dryly and they settle into a silence.

\--------------

Everyone's appearance into his life isn't accidental, Bucky knows this. They're checking in on him, the sadness behind their eyes a reflection of what they know but are pretending is different. _ He'll be back _ and _ Cap couldn't stay away for long _ and _ The guy loves modern movies- you think he'd give up his romcoms? _ Bucky knows they mean well but he's tired of it and it's not helping him cope with Steve's absence. Worse of all, it was giving him fucking _ hope _ despite all logic.

"They just miss him," a woman's voice spoke up as Bucky went for coffee in Stark's kitchen, a place he never dreamed he'd be allowed but Tony is apparently all in with his idea that everyone is now playing nice and had a huge barbecue to prove it. Bucky should feel comforted that nobody is really afraid of him but he still feels like an outsider and maybe they're less scared because, with everyone around, it'd be easier to take just him down if anything happened. He wasn't one of them, not really, but he always offered his help and he was allowed in the group, though he knew that Stark had all his AI watching him when he was there. Which was fine, he got it. Pouring himself a cup, he took his time to join Nat at the kitchen island.

"And I'm tired of being their soundboard," he took a sip of his coffee, staring ahead. Caffeine did nothing for him anymore and he mostly drank it for the taste, the sense memory, though coffee tasted different nowadays. Don't get him started on what they call bananas here.

"The downfall of becoming you again; your eyes show your emotions. They know how much your hurting and how much you loved him."

Bucky doesn't deny it, quietly drinking his coffee, because it's something he's known long before the war. He loved him and he couldn't say it. Then he loved him and he was too brainwashed to say it. After, he loved him but everything was too chaotic to say it. He should've said it before he left but that would've made things harder, probably. Harder for Steve and Bucky's been plenty selfish in his life but he would never intentionally hurt Steve. What he did as the Winter Soldier was something else entirely.

"You're grand at pep talks. I heard they're lookin' for a speaker downtown if you need a new job," he remarks and that earns him a light smirk.

"You're terrible at changing the subject," she replies smoothly, lightly bumping her mug against his and standing to go join everyone else outside.

\---------------

A month later and Bucky feels… well, he's not sure but settled is a fine word. He's got more things in his apartment and Sam helped him find some retro (old garbage, as Sam said) things like a metal drip coffee maker, some old dresser that he refurbished and set up in his room, and a record player. Bucky has the record player tucked away in the corner of his living room by an alarmingly large television (it was Steve's, Tony explained, and it's a shame that it collects dust until he 'gets back'). Music filters through the player, filling the room with soft tones and voices. He's laid out on the couch, the windows in his living room open so he can listen to the sounds outside mixing with the music. It's colder, he's told, too cold to be doing that but he doesn't feel it like everyone else and if he closes his eyes, he can pretend he's back home.

Sam had texted him to ask if he was there two hours ago and he said he had a surprise for him. He didn't say what, as was the purpose of a surprise, but he imagined he found another book about terrible Jello recipes. Sam thought it was hilarious and refused to believe that Bucky didn't eat the stuff all the time. He did appreciate the old pages, though, worn and yellowed with time and he tucked it up with his notebooks that contained various memories.

There's a knock at the door- _ shave and a haircut _ \- and Bucky rolls his eyes, wondering if that was something Sam had picked up from Steve. He sits up, taking his time just for the pleasant idea of wasting Sam's time. The knock sounds again, and he calls out, "I'm coming, Sam! Hold your horses." Bucky puffs out a breath, walking the length of the room to the front too and opening it.

"What's so-" he starts and stops immediately, staring ahead of him. It's not Sam. It's… Steve. Bucky's lips part and he stares and stares until Steve moves.

"You just gonna stand there or?" And he pulls him into a hug, Bucky too stunned to realize what's happened for a few moments before his arms encircle Steve. He pressed his face into the curve of his shoulder at the base of his neck and his legs feel weak below him. He knows he's crying when he hears Steve's voice, shhing and soothing him. His hand is warm on his back and Bucky _ clings _ to him because this feels like a dream and he's going to wake up and Steve will be gone and-

"I'm here," Steve says as if he can read his thoughts or maybe he said it out loud and Bucky laughs wetly. Pulling back, he holds Steve's face between his hands and looks at him. Really looks at him. Like he's trying to memorize his features all over again and maybe he was.

"You freaking punk. I can't- when did?" Bucky tries but his voice hitches in his throat. He wants to laugh and cry and shout and lay down, all at the same time and each one is battling for dominance.

"Yesterday. My timing was wrong and I got back a little later than I wanted to."

"You _ think _??"

"And," Steve plows on, despite the interruption, "They wanted to do some tests to make sure I was alright after all of the jumping back and forth to return everything so I couldn't just come running like I wanted to." Steve's smile is warm and with a hint of sadness, "I should've told you that I loved you. Should've said it so many times and not be an idiot about it."

"I get it," Bucky murmurs, leaning forward and pulling Steve towards him so their foreheads press, "I get it, Steve," he says quickly. "I'm gonna tell you that too so don't get a big head or nothin'."

Steve grins, "Tell me what, Buck?" And Bucky has to grin as well, hearing the excitement in his voice.

"I love you, punk," Bucky murmurs and lifts his head, catching Steve's lips in a long due kiss.

\--------------

Winter pours in and Bucky can't find it in himself to feel the typical winter blues. Thankfully, his days have become mostly positive in contrast to what he'd been used to. Steve makes it better, helping him through his nightmares and he's always home when Bucky returns from therapy, usually cooking. Christmas is _ big _ in the future and it was something to be celebrated in the past but not like this. Stark has a large party and everything is overdone because he's retired now and Pepper isn't allowing him to make anything that deals with any iron suits. Instead, he seems to have devoted his attention to making projections display floating candles and the ceiling is a clear night sky, stars sparkling and a couple shooting across the expanse every so often. Steve tells him it's a reference to something called Harry Potter and Bucky shrugs because it's beautiful even if he doesn't understand it.

Christmas this time is different for him in another way; he actually has money. Both of them do. Avengers work pays well and they both aren't extravagant so they don't have anything over the top but Bucky does spend money on Steve's gifts. It's hell to get; he usually tells Steve where he's going and he had to get Sam to distract him for the few trips it took to actually get the damn thing. Steve is notoriously nosy when he thinks someone is trying to hide something from him.

They're walking out from Tony's party, the city lights bright and decorative around them and Steve's hand is warm against his. Bucky hopes he isn't sweating too much but if he is, Steve doesn't comment about it. Instead, Steve points out an animating snowman with a laugh and Bucky smiles. Steve's such a nerd, always has been and always will be.

They stop at a massive Christmas tree and Bucky stares up at it with some awe. It's at the center of the park, gathering a crowd and rightfully so. People are taking pictures by it and Bucky's eyes glance up when he remembers, seeing the soft light of one of Starks small robots fluttering around and waiting to record because _of course_ everyone would want footage of the moment. Nosy like Steve. All of them. But hey, that's family right? Bucky takes a breath and gently tugs Steve to him.

"You gonna start getting competitive with the neighbors now? Dunno if we have balcony room for one of those snowmen or a tree like_ that_," Bucky jokes and Steve laughs, leaning in to kiss him. He accepts it gladly, feeling a little jittery in his own skin. Steve seems to pick up on it, arching an eyebrow.

"Are you cold, Buck?" He asks though Bucky is sure he knows it's not true. They feel the weather the same, built to not be affected by it. Bucky shakes his head and inhales, holding it for a chance of bravery and Steve looks confused. "Bucky?" He questions, concern in his voice.

And Bucky drops to one knee.

**Author's Note:**

> Hope you enjoyed it!


End file.
